How Brokeback affected me

[Poohbunn]

Some people are less resilent than others.  It's the responsibility of the strong to support those less so. Here we are at the Forum, helping each other. I've had days when I can barely hold it together and fight back tears all day long. There are nights I can't sleep, meals I can't eat, prayers I can't say.  Then at other times (still brief) I feel strong enough to take a stand to stop creating more Jacks and Ennis's, men who can't express their love freely.  I know this is the most important way the movie affected me.  I'm not going to remain silent in the face of this horrible bigotry anymore.
-- Pooh

[MindyM]

Juliacat,

I know the feeling.  It's like a tidal wave of feelings that you can't stop.  I an attempt to help you, I will share something that I have not yet shared here.  When I went to see BBM the second time, it was too much for me.  I was completely overwhelmed with emotion.  I developed asthma seven years ago, but luckily I have a mild form and it is well controlled with medication.  My asthma is not stress induced, but the intensity of my reaction actually brought on an asthma attack.  I always carry my emergency inhaler, which I rarely use.  But this time I knew I was in some trouble.  It wasn't the kind of attack that would put me in the hospital, but any asthma attack is kind of scary.  I was at a movie theater that was about thirty minutes from my home and I was anxious about driving home in this state.  But I took my medication and managed to get home and take more medicine.  That is the measure of how intense the experience was for me.  Later that eveing, when I sat down and read Annie Proulx's essay in the story to screenplay version of BBM, I started to calm down.  The fact that Ennis and Jack became more real to her than the people in her life helped me to realize that I wasn't going out of my mind.  Just reading her words and understanding how she came to write the story was strangely comforting to me. 

I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in having such strong feelings.  It takes a while to process everything that this movie unearths in all of us.  Finally, I was able to get to a place of greater understanding of myself through my deeply personal attachment to Ennis.  I have written several essays about him and what it has meant to me.  So there will be a place that you will come to in time, a place of greater realization and quiet knowledge and love.  I have been helped enormously in this discovery process by the support from the people here on this forum.  You will draw strength and insight from what you read here.  Don't be discouraged and don't be afraid or despairing, the best is yet to come.  It's funny how out of great sadness and tragedy can come even greater love and happiness.

[Garry_LH]

Some people are less resilent than others.  It's the responsibility of the strong to support those less so. Here we are at the Forum, helping each other. I've had days when I can barely hold it together and fight back tears all day long. There are nights I can't sleep, meals I can't eat, prayers I can't say.  Then at other times (still brief) I feel strong enough to take a stand to stop creating more Jacks and Ennis's, men who can't express their love freely.  I know this is the most important way the movie affected me.  I'm not going to remain silent in the face of this horrible bigotry anymore.
-- Pooh

Thank You Pooh
I feel everything you've written.
If we can't stand it, we gotta fix it!   
Till the day comes, not one more person ever has to go through life feeling they have to hide their love. For our love is the most precious thing we have to share with another.

[MindyM]

Right after i saw the movie for the first time i too had this great longing for the love that exists between Ennis and Jack. But now, i think we must see it as it is. Maybe a true love, but not one to envy. The love of Jack and Ennis was in many ways the love of children, a teenage love and never had the chance to grow. It was unfulflling and it destroyed Jack and Ennis. Jack realizes this too; in all those 20 years there was only one moment he'd been really happy: during the dozy embrace. This is not somethin we must envy is it? It was very touching and very sad and tremendously beautiful, being art. It became more beautiful than it was because of the performances of Jake and Heath, who are both actors. The real Ennis and Jack must have been a hell of a lot less inspiring. The lesson is - am a so sure of it - to NOT see the lives of Jack and Ennis as an example in any way. The lesson is to go out, be happy, strive for happiness, be yourself.

Great post, a very positive message: just what I needed!

In the last few days I had a BBM-relapse because I found the video with the dozy embrace in slow motion with the music Annie Proulx was listening to as she wrote the scene (Haden/Metheny, ''Spiritual'', see http://youtube.com/watch?v=yi6i8bfwV-w). I had been looking at it quite compulsively, crying a lot - with no reason: the love of my life is living with me - and feeling self-indulgent. Today I decided I will not see more than once a day, but it was hard to stick to the decision. Now that I read your words everything looks different to me.

Thank you so much to you and all others contributors!

Thank you so much for this link!  I just watched it even though I am at work.  It's my favorite scene from the movie.  It makes me marvel at the human spirit watching Ennis be so affectionate and wondering how in the name of heaven he could still have so much sweetness and love in him after his brutal childhood.  I choose not to curse what Ennis couldn't do, but celebrate what he could do.  Even though I know he has to come up on Jack from behind because he can't face the fact that this is a man that he is embracing, the fact that he can EMBRACE him at all is a miracle to me.  I know that he was so much more than he was taught when he was growing up.  There was a beautiful human being inside, never allowed to come out until Jack gave him this unconditional love.  My heart feels like it skips a beat every time I see this.  That is the Ennis I love to remember.

[JoeNorthWest]

It tells the story of a queer boy brought up by his paranoid schizophrenic mother, Naomi, in & out of the mental hospital. It is a harrowing story, it rips you apart, and yet it is triumphal. Kaddish is the ritual prayer for the dead in Judaism, the prayer he is saying for his mom in the long poem.  In the poem he speaks to his mom "Ï have to talk to you as I didn't when you had a mouth." He too finds an unopened letter from her to him that says: "The poem is in the window. Get married Allan, don't take drugs. The poem is in light in the window." It is apropos nothing, except it arrived after the person died, but it just came to mind because I have always found it strangely moving and it has stayed with me.

                                                                            & much love, Michael

Dear Michael,

First I just want to say what an incredible writer you are....it's like bathing in the warmth of the shimmering sun on a lazy afternoon in the tall grass of Discovery Park, pondering the billowy clouds as they play in the sky...(it's one of my favorite places in Seattle)  Anyway now that I have digressed, I am very very curious about the poem between the son and his schizophrenic mother...I have a very personal reason for asking...if you could let me know, I would be really grateful

And as for you my dear one and the discovery of Billy....thank you for sharing that with us...as one is healed, we all become healed...and I believe that as we continue to allow our hearts to break open, it continues to allow for a deepening of our capacity to love....can't have one without the other....and just look at the tremendous collective heart break that this film has generated....we have all been wounded, and we have been given a great gift by this film exposing what has been there all along....and now we being the process of grieving and healing...slowly...ever so slowly...what a beautiful thing...Joe

[sagha/Mo]

[b]--Request                       Request                                         Request[/b]


 Does anybody here have access through your local library of the MUSE Athens collection of online journals? Or another online scholarly collection like IPCSR, EServer, QuickReference, EBSCO, Gale Group Infotrac, Elsevier, or another. I know anybody would be extremely leery of giving anyone their userid (usually the bar code number of yr library card) & password (often the PIN of yr library card), let alone to an imaginary poster who just happened to go see a movie.

I would email you my credit card info to cover any expense you might conceivably think is possible. There would be no expense at all that I know is possible as you cannot order books or anything else with just the info needed to access and read these collections of journals and reference materials. Without access articles cost from $25. to $40. each to read. Of course to subscribe to these collections cost thousands. My email is listed or you can PM me. Thanks  Mo/sagha

[Redbrit]

To Mejack/Paul and to Juliacat - I wanted to send you a message of hope. In fact, I think Paul it sounds like you are finding your answers. I salute your bravery and consistency - to have held out and faced what you have so bravely; I am so impressed and so happy that there was something so special for you in spite of your loss. And to Julia - I hope you're already beginning to feel better. In our modern myth Jack and Ennis were the ones who opened Pandora's Box, but hope is still left at the bottom.

Quote from Latter Days
Lila: ... Guilt distracts us from a greater truth - that we have an inherent ability to heal. We seem intent on living through even the worst heartbreak.
Christian: How?
Lila: Practice

[sagha/Mo]

The Paris Review has been publishing the finest in short fiction since the 1950s. Their newest collection, The Paris Review Book of People with Problems, presents 17 short stories by outstanding contemporary authors.

We are pleased to offer autographed copies of The Paris Review Book of People with Problems that have been signed by Pulitzer Prize winner Annie Proulx (author of Shipping News & Brokeback Mountain) and acclaimed San Francisco short story author Julie Orringer (author of the award winning How to Breathe Underwater). Uncommon thus! Please email us at read@booksmith.com, or call 800-493-7323 to place an order.

$15. copy +$7. shipping (to LI, NY) from San Francisco

[Mejack]

your sentiments echo mine. and i'm also writing to put in a request. i've followed paul's moving story in fits and starts. caught some of his posts but not all. is there a way someone can post links to the complete series? i want to read it all and print it to keep but i just don't have time to search through hundreds of pages to find the complete story. is there a search engine on this web site? i can easily find all the posts i've put up on various threads but i haven't discovered how to search for someone else's messages. help me, please! with thanks and with gentle, reverent thoughts for the memory of billy and the brave, caring man who shared his love!

Hi Tacitus,

Here's the complete series, begining with the first post:

1
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg53971#msg53971
2
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg54452#msg54452
3
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg54905#msg54905
4
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg55228#msg55228
5
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg55522#msg55522
6
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg57077#msg57077
7
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg67558#msg67558
8
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg96819#msg96819
9
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg118670#msg118670
10
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg140880#msg140880

Hope this helps. And thanks for the kind words.

Paul / Mejack

[DaveinPhilly]

Glad to have the whole story MeJack.



My copy of the DVD arrived today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Beside myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I've gotta work - "can't quit this one..."

So it'll be tonight!
Thanks to my partner Nick!!!!!!!!!

[tacitus]

your sentiments echo mine. and i'm also writing to put in a request. i've followed paul's moving story in fits and starts. caught some of his posts but not all. is there a way someone can post links to the complete series? i want to read it all and print it to keep but i just don't have time to search through hundreds of pages to find the complete story. is there a search engine on this web site? i can easily find all the posts i've put up on various threads but i haven't discovered how to search for someone else's messages. help me, please! with thanks and with gentle, reverent thoughts for the memory of billy and the brave, caring man who shared his love!

Hi Tacitus,

Here's the complete series, begining with the first post:

1
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg53971#msg53971
2
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg54452#msg54452
3
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg54905#msg54905
4
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg55228#msg55228
5
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg55522#msg55522
6
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg57077#msg57077
7
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg67558#msg67558
8
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg96819#msg96819
9
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg118670#msg118670
10
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg140880#msg140880

Hope this helps. And thanks for the kind words.

Paul / Mejack

well, paul. what can i say? i just printed out your posts and read them in order. and i burst into tears right in the middle of the room where i work, surrounded by my colleagues. your story is profoundly and deeply moving. a love that never dies. isn't that the way the song goes? a love between two boys who matured into men and, though separated, those men never broke the bond of love that joined them. oh, boy. this one is tough. i'm making copies of your words and sending them to friends who will understand and cherish the memory of your story. paul and billy's love will never die. never.   

[JoeNorthWest]

There were hundreds of other questions which arose after the first showing of the movie, I mean, it was not only a matter of "yes to love" or "no to love", and to many of those questions I already gave a good answer. But the awareness of having made something unrecoverable to my life is something that in this moment I can't bear.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll feel better...I'm not a masochist. Everybody can find love? I don't know if you're right or wrong...

There is nothing that cannot be made whole...therefore unrecoverable....trust me...I've been to those "dark" places and felt as though I would never find my way out.  Like steel which if forged by brutal pounding, we too are being made a new...though painful, if we so choose, we can emerge with a great awareness of who we are and what we want....and the seek the courage to take the steps necessary to fulfill those dreams....I believe everybody can find love....to find love we must become love.  Water does have a way of seeking it's own level...however, many of us, and myself included said "Oh yes I want love" and then when it was offered I did not have the capacity at that time to embrace it...so we must be very honest within ourselves and ask the hard questions...If I do not have love in my life, then what am I DOING to prevent it from coming?  I think we are finding a lot of those answers on this site....If we are willing, I mean really willing in our heart of hearts to have love in our lives....then like thefaith of a  mustard seed that can move mountains, ....we too will find our love on our mountain...Joe

[Zuraffo]

Erik: Glad you have grown from BBM. As to your sentiments about love, I'll go back to the movie's message: love is a force of nature. We all have to find our own love.

JuliaCat: Remember everytime when a person is sick, and the doctor always says it'll get worse before it gets better? It's the same with BBM obsession. Channel your energy into something constructive. Slowly you'll be able to celebrate your BBM experience without sorrow.

[MarkC]

Mejack's/Paul's story in 3 posts:

**********************************1ST POST************************************

I haven't been able to talk to anybody about Billy for fifty years. Finally, a group of people who I know will understand. After three times at BBM, I think I have the courage to tell some of  it. 

In 1954 I was seventeen and the youngest guy in Florida State Prison. The judge hadn't notice my age till it was too late. Quickly I was moved to Apalachee, the place for youthful, first-time offenders. My first day there, at free-time after dinner, there he was, coming down the sidewalk toward me. He nearly took my breath away. Billy was twenty, good looking, all slender and muscular, with curly hair and blue-green eyes.

He must have noticed my reaction because he came right to me and introduced himself. He knew how afraid I was that first day. Though somewhat inexperienced, I had always been attracted to guys.  It wasn't that way with Billy. Nothing in his experience had prepared him for someone like me. Yet, there was this bond. We both realized it that very moment, and for the next two years, we were inseparable.

Everything was monitored by the guards. There was free-time each day for a couple of hours after dinner. Billy and I always went down to the field to lay in the grass and talk. We shared our innermost feelings, and our dreams. The occasional touch of our fingers together, or looking into one another's eyes. That's all we could have. And we would never let a day go by without saying " I love you." Only once, on a special afternoon, a bunch of guys were on the porch with no guard in sight.  In the mid-1950s, even is prison, nobody had "a boyfriend" except Billy.  The guys started chanting, "Kiss him, Billy, kiss him". So somewhat cocky, and a little bit showoff, well, we had our kiss. Our only kiss, ever.

Billy had another year and a half to go when I was released. Parting day was unbearable. And it was against the rules for us to correspond. I went to New York to start life over.  Two years went by and I had no idea where he was.  But I knew his home was in Griffin, GA so I went there, located his mother, and found where he was staying.  Of course I was unexpected, and Billy was confused. He had a new girlfriend, and they were getting married. The three of us had lunch together, and when we said goodbye we tried to hide the tears.

A year later, I called again.  Ruth answered.  Billy was back in prison, this time for five years in Georgia. She was going across the state the following week to visit him and asked if I wanted to go along.  I did.

My sweet Billy sat across the table from his wife, and me.  What must have been swirling through his mind? He talked to Ruth, and all the while, under the table, entwined his feet with mine. We never saw each other again.

It was to be twenty years before I could get through a day without thinking of Billy. Eventually I met a sweet girl, we married, had four wonderful boys, now grown, and thoughts of Billy slowly subsided. After thirty years and a wonderful family, it was all just something in the past.  Until Brokeback Mountain.

Suddenly, after fifty years, all those emotions came flooding back into my mind. If only I could see him one more time.  If I could only know where he is and what his life is like.  I began searching. But it's been a dead end. My mind is still in turmoil.  And yes, reality has begun to set in.  I still think of Billy as a young man.  He's 72 now, if he's alive at all. He probably doesn't even remember me.  Of course he does. I'm the one who told him a thousand times that I'd always love him. And I do.

Thank you Heath and Jake and Ang. Thanks Ennis and Jack.  But I feel so alone now. . .

Paul 

*************************************2ND POST******************************

...The guys started chanting, "Kiss him, Billy, kiss him". So somewhat cocky, and a little bit showoff, well, we had our kiss. Our only kiss, ever...
Paul, that is amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.

So how did the other guys respond to the two of you kissing? Tell us all about the kiss!

And yes, of course he remembers you.

Hi WDJ,
Okay, about "the kiss".  We were all hanging out on the steps of one of the two dorms. Maybe 16 or 18 guys around.  Everybody knew about Billy and me. All the guys were straight as far as I know. They probably assumed Billy was too, and that I was the queer one. Maybe they were right. Anyway, it's 1956 remember.  No television.  No magazines allowed. The guys were living vicariously through Billy at that moment, I think. 

They urged him on. We were seated on the steps. As they began chanting, Billy slowly stood and pulled me up beside him. He whispered "do you wanna do this?"  Before I could answer, or even think, he wrapped his arms around me. I never knew until then how much he really wanted to hold me. Then he kissed me.  A full, open mouth kiss. It seemed unending. I know exactly how Jack felt during that reunion kiss.

I heard them . . . "Holy Shit, do you believe that?"  "Damn!"  "I ain't never seen nothin' like that before!" We sat back down. I couldn't let go of Billy's arm. Suddenly, somebody said "Ya'll shut up. Guard's coming." And it was over.

Next day I asked Billy about the kiss. He joked and said "what kiss?" Then he got real serious and said "I'm glad it happened. You okay?  You still love me?"  Like I said, turns out it was our only kiss, ever. And yes, Billy, I still love you.

Thanks for asking, WDJ.

Paul

*************************************3RD POST ********************************



...I heard them . . . "Holy Shit, do you believe that?"  "Damn!"  "I ain't never seen nothin' like that before!" We sat back down. I couldn't let go of Billy's arm. Suddenly, somebody said "Y'all shut up. Guard's coming." And it was over.

Next day I asked Billy about the kiss. He joked and said "what kiss?" Then he got real serious and said "I'm glad it happened. You okay?  You still love me?"  Like I said, turns out it was our only kiss, ever. And yes, Billy, I still love you.

Thanks for asking, WDJ.

Paul
Wow. So the other guys had a basically positive reaction? Did they ever give you or Billy a hard time about it later on? Did anybody say hey, good for you? Or did nobody say anything? It's kinda heart-warming that the guys just say "shut up - guard's coming."

Before the kiss, they were just looking for some entertainment.  It was almost like a double-dare. Afterward, the reaction was one of awe, I guess.  We took  a risk, and they knew it.  Within a few days, the guards got wind of it, and started asking questions. Of course, nobody had seen anything!  Yeh, one guy asked me "when's it gonna be my turn?"  But it was just light-hearted humor.  Later, a guy called me "gal-boy" but someone quickly corrected him. "His name's Paul."

*************************************4TH POST****************************


That's wonderful to hear. I'd have probably been asking when it would be my turn too! I mean we're talking young men in prison in Florida in the 1950s - and they had the decency to respect you.

WDJ, I want to thank you for encouraging me to talk about these things. I've never spoken any of this to anyone before.  After my release I went to New York alone to start over.  Didn't want anyone to know about the prison thing, so I just said I'd been away at college.  All my wife and kids know of those years is college.  Now, for the first time in fifty years, you've helped me reveal the truth. Thanks.

As for the "decency to respect you", yes there was respect. But it wasn't for being gay, or for doing a gay kiss. The respect was, first of all, because we never hid it, but admitted our relationship to all. And second, there was respect because we dared to do what was unthinkable in the face of harsh punishment if we had been caught.

Not long afterward, I was at work in the prison office, and got word that Billy had got in a fight over at the brickyard where he worked.  He never would tell me what the fight was about.  Anyway, he was sent to the hole.  That's solitary confinement. Concrete floor, one blanket, minimal food. I was filled with anxiety for Billy's sake.

Next day a guard got smart with me and said "Whatcha gonna do now that your boyfriend's in the hole!?"  Without thinking, I replied "fuck you!"  He grabbed me and said "I guess you wanna go down there with him, huh?" It was about 10 o'clock at night.  He unlocked the cellar door and marched me past Billy's cell, down to the end of the hall and clanked the door shut.  Billy yelled "what the hell did you do?"  The guard said, "he wanted to be with his boyfriend."  That's the only time Billy was ever angry with me. Angry that I had put myself in such a situation.

A day later they came and let Billy out. He had been in there 3 days.  They kept me the maximum 29 days.  The guards were sure that I was the queer, and Billy was just being taken in. So they let him out to make my punishment worse.  When I came out of the hole, I was so pale and thin.  That was the only time I ever saw Billy cry.  That evening, the other  guys were watching to see what we'd do. We walked down the sidewalk together, right past two of the guards, into the field and laid on the grass again, and talked, and loved each other.  Yeh, we had respect.

CONTINUED ON NEXT MARKC POST

[MarkC]

**************************************5TH POST********************

... That evening, the other  guys were watching to see what we'd do. We walked down the sidewalk together, right past two of the guards, into the field and laid on the grass again, and talked, and loved each other.  Yeh, we had respect.
Paul you need to write all this up as memoirs - it's really amazing.

What about your wife and children now? How is your family life?

I'm about to get backed into a corner where I'm not real comfortable.  The straightforward answer is that we have a fine family life.  Married over 33 years, four great sons, two of whom are married, one is dating, and the youngest pursuing his career.  Loving father/son relationships and a happy marriage in every way.

When you do the math, those 20 years it took before I could get through a day without thinking about Billy, those years overlap the marriage by 3 or 4 years.  But a wife, a new house, kids starting to come along . . . those things begin to occupy your mind.  Eventually, I seldom thought of Billy anymore.  He faded into an old memory, never really forgotten, but never brought to the surface either.  Until Brokeback Mountain.

Those old memories suddenly came flooding back. I have to deal with this thing. One thing is sure, though. No matter how much I want to find Billy again, no matter what my feelings may be, I won't let it affect the family.  The family is real, Billy is only a memory.  I won't give up a life for a dream.

Added to the equation is the fact that my wife and I are well-known to thousands on the East Coast where I'm on stage regularly (I dare say no more than that).  So many more would be affected, and I will not ruin lives. 

What I'm afraid of is this: is it going to take 20 years again? I may be wrong, but I somehow believe if I could just know a few things: is he alive? is he okay? is he happy?  If I could just know that, hopefully I could put this all aside again, and go on with my life. But I won't kid you. You know as well as I do that there's a part of me that wants Billy.

Brokeback Mountain has nearly done me in!

« Last Edit: Today at 02:32:59 PM by mejack »   
   
************************************6TH POST*********************************   

Quote from: sagha on February 21, 2006, 02:54:44 PM

Paul:
I agree completely with wdj, you definitely should begin to tell all the stories that you can dreg up of your imprisonment and visits to Billy, yr life before and after last seeing him. Your story is perhaps the most exceptionally beautiful one here among some quite heart-rending & amazing stories, . .
                                  --sagha

Sagha, and everyone . . .

All of you have been so supportive.  Thank you all.  You've urged me to write more of Billy.  I have found that putting it into words has been a real catharsis for me.  I'm nearing the place of acceptance and it's beginning to feel good.

I went up on Brokeback again (fourth) last night. Each time I'm still shaken to my very soul.  One scene in particular brought back more sweet memories. Jack with his lasso. How playfully he roped Ennis.

I loved Saturdays.  Work was only until noon, and the rest of the day was free-time. Billy lived up the hill in "A Dorm" and the sidewalk led down to me in "B Dorm", and on past there to the ball field.  After lunch, a shower and change of clothes, we'd have the whole glorious afternoon.

Larry knew the drill.  Sitting on the steps of B Dorm, he said "Here comes Billy."  I said "So?" Billy came walking by, expecting, as always, that I'd walk out to join him.  But I just sat there.  He never looked my way. He just walked past.  After about 50 feet, he suddenly stopped, turned on his heel, and went all the way back up the hill. 

He stood up there by the post for quite a while, then started down again. As he passed the steps of B Dorm this time, he looked straight at me as he walked. I joined him without a word.  While we walked, under his breath he muttered "Asshole!"  I laughed.

One day at our place on the grass, Billy was on his back, watching the clouds, one arm behind his head, the other stretched outward.  I moved over some and laid my head on his arm.  He said "you're gonna get us in big trouble."  But he didn't move his arm.  Little intimacies.  Saturdays.  I loved Saturdays.

I asked Billy once, "Ever think about sex?"  "Umm", he answered. "How 'bout you?"   "When I think about it" I said, "I think about you."  He was quiet for a long time as he contemplated.  He had so little experience to draw from.  I can't even imagine what odd pseudo-hetro image he must have conjured up in his mind.  He just said wistfully, "Hell, that ain't gonna work!"

Being in love isn't about sex.  Good thing!   Like Ennis said, "never had the opportunity to be a sinner."  But we had intimacy.  And lots of time to love.

Paul

************************************7TH POST***************************************

Quote from: MarkC on February 25, 2006, 04:39:39 PM
MeJack (or Paul)
. . . I come periodically to see if you have posted another touching beautiful story from your life.
Hoping to be moved again by you.

Thanks,
MarkC

Since my previous posts, many have encouraged me to write more.  I need to write it, and I appreciate your undertanding.  The memories bombard my mind, all disjointed and out of sequence.

Shackled to the seat, my ankle hurts from the rubbing of the leg irons. Five hours in the prison bus, seven or eight men, feet linked together by a chain, and hands cuffed. The barred bus windows covered with wire mesh, were cracked opened a little, while the Florida late-summer sun beat down unmercifully.

I'd heard about Raiford.  That hell-hole with its chain gangs, and the expected abuse.  It was the deep South of 1954.  I was seventeen.  I was alone, and so afraid!

The first iron gate slammed shut behind us, as we drove through.  A few yards further and the second gate did the same.  The bus door opened.  A guard removed the chains and herded us through a doorway, down a long corridor, to a large open place.

"Welcome to New Cock Court," he said.  Years of prison slang had given name to the holding area for new arrivals.  "Oh God, why do they call it that," I thought?

"Take off your clothes. Everything."  Trembling with fear, stripped bare, I stood there, waiting.  "Open your mouth." "Raise your arms."  "Bend over, spread your cheeks."  Not knowing what to expect next, and without warning, the thrust of two fingers began the body cavity search.

A communal shower removed the delousing substance from my skin.   I stood there naked, terrified. What is happening to me, only three months after high school graduation.

At the distribution desk, prison clothes were piled in my arms. "Put these on" he said.

The opposite door opened.  The long passageway through Cellblock E was lined with locked cells. Faces pressed against the bars, leering at the newest entry from New Cock Court.  My ears were ringing with the raw, obscene remarks and gestures, as I was led to a cell down near the end.

Two walls had bunks, three high. There was a combination sink/toilet with no seat.  The four men inside said nothing.  One motioned toward the empty top bunk.  I climbed the ladder, and laid there, afraid to move, expecting.  They left me alone.

After a while, a buzzer sounded.  "Chow!"  The man who pointed me to my bunk, said "Stay by me. You'll be okay."  There was a kindness in his voice.  All the cell doors opened at once.  I stayed next to him and kept quiet, hoping to remain unnoticed.

After chow, we returned.  The doors would stay open for two hours of free time.  Quickly, I  retreated to my upper bunk.  My newfound protector sat on the lower and read his book.  I would be safe.  At least for now.  Soon, it would be "lights out."   Oh God, what then.

He closed his book, stood and brushed his teeth at the sink/toilet, and said "How's it goin' up there?" Suddenly, lights out. Within seconds he was in the bunk with me.  I pleaded, "No, please, no."  "It's either gonna be me, or all four of us."

Five days and nights of hell.  Then, suddenly, a guard appeared and took me out.  The judge had made a mistake.  I was too young to be here.  Guys my age were supposed to go to Apalachee.  They transferred me that day.

I arrived at Apalachee in the late afternoon. A bunk in "B Dorm" was assigned, and a guard escorted me to the chow hall.  It was civilized.  Two hundred young men, already eating, even laughing.

At free-time, after dinner, Billy.  He must have noticed when they brought me in.  Walking down the sidewalk toward me, as I've said before, he nearly took my breath away.  With that  broad smile, he said "Hi, I'm Billy."  Somehow, with just those few words, he was able to take the hurt away.

mejack  / Paul


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