How Brokeback affected me

[Amiennis]

thanks marc,and take care of your self he!!
and if you ever need a real hug or something,i`m not that far away from you!!

I will surely remember that... thanks.
For now, a virtual hug,
Marc

[conny]

I will surely remember that... thanks.
For now, a virtual hug,
Marc

(((marc))) for you as well!

[Jules]

It’s been a long time since my last post here. I felt the need to keep off from this thread, as it was getting too hard to read these posts and feel the pain renewed and somehow strengthened every time, a pain I can’t really relate to something specific, but which is still here and doesn’t seem to go away.

But I accidentally read here about forgiveness, and something happened, as if a light had been switched on: maybe it’s time to talk about this with someone, and I can’t think of anyone more special than you all. Please bear with me, I don’t think it really fits here, but here it is and moderators please forgive me also because I’m afraid it’s going to be a long one.

Two men raped me when I was seventeen years old. I was walking alone in the street, they caught me from behind and threatening me with a knife they raped me for hours, one at a time, again and again. They didn’t seem to ever get enough, they probably were under the influence of some drug. They beat me, called me unrepeatable names, I thought that my life was over, that they would have killed me, afterwards. But I got "lucky" and they left me there, bleeding, in the street. Fortunately my parents were on vacation and not coming back for another week and my brother was abroad, so I had the time to recover myself and find a way to hide the bruises. I didn’t go to the hospital, and I never sued anybody. I never told my parents about the rape, but after a month I found out that I was pregnant. I didn’t know what to do, I was so scared because those two men told me that they would have killed my family if I talked to someone about what happened. I was underage, and had to had an abortion.

When it was almost getting too late for it, I was 3 months pregnant, I plucked up the courage and told my mother that I had sex with a boy, that I was pregnant, and that I didn’t want to keep the baby. This almost killed her and speaking of forgiveness, I know it took her a lot of time to forgive me for that, if ever she did...we never talked about it since then, anyway, and I gave her a lot more reasons during my life to be ashamed of me. This was only the first one. We agreed my father must not come to know it (and he died not knowing it, 4 years later) and so my brother. I had to get a specific written permission from the Juvenile Court as well as my mother’s, and eventually I had the abortion.

I never wanted children in all my life; I don’t have any maternal instinct, probably because I never felt like a woman, but that’s another story. Truth is, I had to get rid of that baby, because I saw it as a monster, something put inside of me by the evil one itself. When I woke up after the anesthesia I thought that it was over, that I was “clean” again, and that I could put what happened behind me. Obviously, it wasn’t so easy, and those scars got re-opened hundred times during the following years.

I never regretted that decision, I know that I did what was best for myself, but some years later I began to think about that child, about how old he (don’t know why I’m sure he was a boy) would have been then, and all of a sudden I saw him for the first time for what he was: an innocent creature I killed. I’m pro abortion, this is not the point; point is that I felt guilty for what I thought about him, being the son of the evil, being a monster, being something horrible I had to get rid of. But he was just an innocent baby, and those two men were the evil, not him. I will never forgive them, no way, but I don’t have nightmares about that night any longer. What I needed to do when I realized that, was to forgive myself for the hate I felt for that child, and since I don’t believe in a god, there was really no one who could forgive me but myself. Not an easy task.

Sometimes we think and do horrible things, to others and to ourselves, but I eventually understood that human beings can make mistakes, can be weak, mad, coward because of their ignorance, their youth, their fear.

To me Brokeback Mountain has been the key to the so many doors I closed inside my heart, carefully hiding behind them all my pain and fears, and carrying on with my life pretending that everything was fine. But then I saw the film and my heart broke to pieces. Brokeback Mountain opened all of them, very slowly, one at a time, as if to make sure that I was carefully looking at what I had done, and when I saw all that was hidden there, it almost killed me. This was 8 months ago.

I can’t say that I have moved on, or made significant changes in my life, I'm an Ennis and always will be, but at least now I know that I have forgiven myself for what I’ve done 23 years ago. That child would be 23 years old, today, and I hope he has forgiven me as well, wherever he is.

Boy, this was hard to write.

[conny]

sweet catia
i know tis really must have been hard telling us,and i am sp proud of you!!!!!
((((((CATIA)))))))))
i am so sorry for you that you had to go trough all that on your own,i know how hard the rape it`s self is,but not being able to talk about it with someone,and also being pregnant,must be the hardest thing ever.escpecially at your age then!
i am glad you have forgiven yourself and i know for sure your child has. think i would have acted the same way,never did want children myself and certainly not that way.
take care my friend 

[desertrat]

honey, you just stopped my breath. first of all, just about a milliion hugs. you are so brave ! having to those terrible decisions at such an early age....that is just unfair.

why did you have the feeling that you couldn't share that information ? not with your family, not with the police ? i know, as long as you're young you see things differently. but i hope now you know that you are not to blame here. right ? maybe talking about the experience, with your family, with a therapist,...will help you. it is time to free yourself from it ! telling us is the first, and a very important step. it might have been hard, but you survived posting it, did you ? 
it is important that you don't keep silence, but tell people ! otherwise the abusers of this world go on believing that they can get away with hurting women ! and no woman ever should be ashamed of things that happened to her against her will. (look at me, how smart i can talk here.... wish i could make all of that real in my own life...).

on another note: since we came up with the topic of abuse, many women here have spoken up. hell, almost all women have spoken up. which kind of corresponds with statistics. next time we discuss why (straight) women are drawn to gay men, let's come back to this thread and we'll find one of the possible answers: because gay men won't hurt women.

[melissasjack]

Catia, love, I'm on my way out the door right now.
All I can say is thank you for being the strong beautiful damn courageous lady you are.
Thank you for sharing this with us and I love you with all my heart and soul.
You make this world, that can be so scary and mean, a safe beautiful place for many people. You enrich our world and all of us everyday just by being you.
Love you, friend of my heart.

[TwistsBitch]

on another note: since we came up with the topic of abuse, many women here have spoken up. hell, almost all women have spoken up.

I haven't spoken up yet but I do now, out of respect to Catia & her moving post.  I have experienced abuse as a young girl.  BBM affected me in relation to that too.  I haven't read too much of other women's posts on it as I'm still trying to process my own response. But maybe I will start to look around at the experiences of others as it could help me through that ongoing process.  Sometimes all that stuff feels too overwhelming to contemplate, just as it did to Ennis.

Good point at why straight women are drawn to gay men.   I'll chip in to that discussion alright.

[mcnell1120]

CATIA.......*sigh*

I have no words ,I don't know how .....I know this though.. ..how brave you are. I can't believe the courage you have in you...I'm so proud of you for facing this...I am honored that you believe in us and that you chose us to tell this too.I've seen some horrible things Catia....very bad things...in my deep thoughts they will forever stay....that horror you experienced,I can't even comment right now about it...I've had many close calls,that fear you went thru ,not knowing if you were going to live after that horrible thing...and for a split moment, would death be even better?...ugh.......my close calls were all just luck...

But Catia...I can't tell you what brings these animals to think they can do what they want...I'm so sorry you had to go thru this....I want to be there for you,I want to hug you and I want to just be there.....meeting you was the best thing in the world...wrapping my arms around you and telling you I loved you....please know that I'm there for you....I know how you have to put this "tough" girl act out there.....please know I'm hugging you right now....just close your eyes and pretend,Catia....we're smoking our cigarettes right in front of our motel rooms,remember?...looking at the sky ......no one is going to hurt you anymore.....you're a survivor Catia.....you did it...made the FIRST step....I'm so very proud of you and I love you very much...you HEAR me?

Nellie

[Asianboy]

Hello all my dear friends,

No one can ever expect that BBM syndrome will last this long. It's been over a year and the fever seems to have no ending yet (and probably never will). I've been reading this forum almost everyday, extremely sad and cried to learn about the others' misery for being gay, lonely and isolated, but I rarely posted my thoughts here. Today I decide to share with you my life story and hope to get cured for my pain and shame.

I have been a lonely boy probably since I was born. As a kid, I did not play games or fight with other kids but spending most of my time reading books at the library or at home. I've read all those great novels like "Les Miserables" by Victor Hugo, "War and Peace" by Lev Tolstoy (even though I did not understand them all as a kid of 10!) and later on kept thinking about those characters. Sometimes I only talked with my brother. At the same year, I remember once told my brother that I was scared about something "wrong" with my body when I had my first erection by looking at those male underwear ads on the old Sears catalogue! I was totally desperate to learn that I'm gay as a teenager, but I hide it from my family and everyone until now, as my parents are very traditional and they may disown me if knowing that I'm gay. Anyway from outside I look like a successful Asian guy with a recent master degree and a stable job.

I've fallen in love many times with my closest friends but never dare to declare my love to them . Instead I chose to end the friendship abruptly by stupid excuses. I became more and more isolated in my own shelter,as I'm not into typical "gay culture" like online dating, clubbing, dancing, fancy clothes...And three years ago, I've found an "exit" for my loneliness: gambling. After one time accompanying my friends to the casino, I've learned how to play blackjack. Those times at the gambling tables, I forget all my loneliness, my inhibations and desparation and I feel that I don't need no one to care for me. I began at $5, $10 then increased to $50, $100 one bet. Sometimes I won but I lost much more than winning. After 3 years, I probably have lost about $50,000! I even skip my meals to save money for gambling. Everytime after going back home from casino penniless, I lost my sleep and curse myself for being stupid. But this addiction seems to have a strange urge inside of me. Whenever I get lonlely, the uncontrollable deadly instinct always takes me back to the casino. Recently I had a crush on one of my co-workers: he is "painfully" beautiful with 2 cute dimples and those romantic Italian eyes that melt your heart. Every morning whenever he passes by my cubicle and smiles at me, I'm almost breathless.

But I have no gut to ask him out for a coffee, although I myself is a decent looking Asian guy (I look much younger than my age).
As I fear that my gay secret will be revealed and I have to face another humiliation. I came back to the casino last weekend to kill my desparation and all my paycheck has gone in 2 hours. I've borrowed money from my brother to survive until the next paycheck. For my meal, I bought the instant noodle at $10 a box for the entire week. I feel so shameful and sometimes I wish that I will never wake up again the next morning.

The "Intervention" show on A & E channel really strikes me to the core. I watch how the other people cope with their addiction: drug, alcoholic, gambling, meth crystal...and totally understand how they tried so hard to get out of those hells but always keep coming back. I wish that they ban and close all the casinoas the toxic impact of gamblinh is no less than those of drugs and drinking. It leads people to commit suicide and self destruction. If you have any family member who is one those addict, please love them and stand by them in their fight for life. They really need your support and love. Drug lords are criminals, but how about Donald Trump who made his fortunes on the wreckage of thousands of famillies and human lives. I'm "lucky" that I never gamble on-line so I hope that someday I can move to an island like Hawaii and start my life again.

I understand why all babies cry when being born. It's because to live a human life is such a miserable and painful trip, until your last breath. The joy is just merely a few seconds, but the pain is everlasting.

Thank you all for your patience to read my story.

[fritzkep]

Catia, carissima mia,

I'm sorry I was joking with you a little while ago, before I had a chance to read this, without knowing the pain you were feeling. The pain you have borne is beyond what I can imagine, I know, and it is something you can never and will never forget. You do not need me to tell you that the rape was not your fault at all, but I tell you this fact anyway, hoping to reinforce all that others have told you. The physical act of rape is bad enough, but the way those beasts caused you to mistrust men, that act is unconscionable. You also know that we men are not all like that, but I have to reinforce this fact in your mind, too. The way that those horrible beings messed up the mind of a young girl, I frankly don't know if I could find it in my heart to forgive them, if something similar had happened to me. I only know that I would try. And above all, do not worry about your son, he is smiling down on you, he forgave you long before you thought of him as your son. I do believe in God, as you know, and your son is praying for you, and I am praying for you. You do not have to believe in God to benefit from our prayers.

Most sincere, big, strong, tight (((((((HUGS))))))) to you, tesoro bellissimo e carissimo mio. Ti amo, Catia, sorella dolcissima mia!

[CellarDweller115]

Catia,

thanks so much for coming here, and sharing such a personal story. 

To have such a huge burden on such young shoulders is unimaginable.

This (to me) makes your participation in the bbq even more amazing.  For someone to go through such a traumatic experience, yet have the courage to go meet 80 strangers is incredible.

Love you honey, love you lots!

[desertrat]

asianboy, welcome at the place where we all share our stories....
it breaks my heart to read how wonderful, decent people are missing out their lifes, if not throw their lifes away, because of a society that can't accept them for who they are.

here's a little encouragement: if i read right between the lines, you are pretty sick of your life because everything is going wrong, right ? you know that one day, you'll get into serious troubles because of your gambling ? your family might find out ? they might repudiate you, disown you, not love you any more ?

well - isn't that the same they would do if they found out you are gay ? wouldn't it be better then if you chose for that instead of the gambling ? gambling will always leave you alone at the end of the day. if you finally come out you'll at least stand a chance of becoming happy. you never know - what if the nice guy who smiles ate you every morning actually smiles at you because he thinks you are pretty ?

 

[twtplanner]

Catia....such a very hard experience to live and carry with you.  It sounds that you're on the right path in your thoughts.  It's not an easy journey, but you've tackled the hardest part.  Hugging you tight.

terry

[Jules]

Thank you, my friends.

Words really fail me, now, because although I somehow knew that I could count on your understanding and caring, I'm always amazed when someone actually shows them to me.

I think I need a break. Know that I love you all, more than words can say.

Catia

[Boris]

Oh, Jules. The scars we carry, the sadness we hide. And yet, at the same time sharing those stories and experiences like yours, are gift to us all. Because somehow all our stories gradually become a one story. One story about humanity, resilience and recovery from pain others or life has inflicted, story about attachment and loss, despair and hope. The stories and voices are different but the undercurrent is the same.

Thank you, Jules.